TESTAMENT by Laney What an evening… I’ll never forget it. How can we erase from our memory the moment when we realize that our world is collapsing around us? It’s impossible. I’ve never seen such a beautiful dawn. As I’m writing, I can’t help thinking that in future, I don’t know how many sunrises I’ll still see. I’ve got the impression that I’m seeing the morning for the first time… and the silence of the castle calms down my muddled mind. This sly anxiety which got use to gnaw at my heart, oh how far away I was to suspect that it was eating into my lungs too... I haven’t thought that with each single new sunrise, promise of a better life for all, this same life grew weary to support me. I’m dying. « How can I tell you that, mademoiselle… » Dear doctor Lassonne, I understood your reluctance, but believe me, I don’t hold a grudge against you for playing your role. Certainly, being the announcer of bad news isn’t pleasant, however you’re the first one who receives my gratitude. I thank you from my heart. Thank you for your frankness. I’m dying. We mustn’t be afraid of the truth, even it is hard to accept. Answers have been finally brought to the questions I was asking myself for a few time. I wanted them absolutely, these answers, I just have to assume them now. I’ve asked for it. My life will be soon a hazy memory for the persons I’ve met on my sprinkled-with-trap road. I will be forgotten, just as I already hope to forget all that I lived during these about thirty years. Never be oneself. Living for the others, living by the others, existing without being. I wonder how I could follow these incredible rules. I would have so much wanted, deep inside me, to taste the joys of this life, which is leaving me at one more breath. Making the most of it, even for a day or an hour. But how can I hope for happiness when misery is swarming around me? « In the service of the Nation ». Alas. My work has never made me be concerned about my compatriots. In this still feudal world, the protection of the richest ones comes before the far more alarming protection of the most destitute persons. We have to suppress riots, we have to shoot people. Doing this, we are « in the service of the Nation. » This same nation gets weaker and weaker, and the whole country is heading for disaster. God help everyone. He can’t do anything more for me. As for me, I will leave with a kind of relief. I will leave this hypocritical and heartless world and I will experiment something better. The Paradise doesn’t exist; I have maybe met it in my dreams, when I took advantage of a young but misleading carefree attitude. I’m not afraid to go to Hell; Hell is already here. There can’t be a worse place than this Earth, there can’t be two Hells. So, where will I be? Maybe in a boring and empty place. Why do I have this idea? Is it because I feel so empty inside me? Father… I didn’t want to disappoint you. I’ve always thought that following the demands of your madness was the best behaviour to have. I can’t hold a grudge against you. On the contrary, I thank you for the freedom you gave me by bringing me up as a boy. I couldn’t bring myself to be locked up in this gilt prison, commonly called marriage. But I regret that the name of the Jarjayes is being dirty : I beseech you, Father, to open your eyes and admit that the people, the Third, doesn’t deserve to be derided. We have abused of the power we had at our disposal. My last will about you: I would like you to admit that you make an error of judgement. Granny… I was happy to be brought up by you. I don’t know how to thank you for all that you gave me for my childhood ; you were there at every single second for me, much more than my mother. It’s very hard to say goodbye to you. I have never thought this moment would come so fast, but here we are. I would have thousand things more to tell you, however I don’t find words anymore to express them… So I simply say : thanks. Mother… I was glad to support you during the few time you spent with our Dauphine. I admire your proud mind, and I congratulate you for resisting to Madame Du Barry, a long time ago… Just know that I’m leaving with the best opinion about you. My dear sisters… I wish you to be happy. I hold you all in my heart. Dear Girodel… I beseech you to accept my apology about the way I rejected you. At this moment I was embarrassed to think that someone could see me just the way I was. But I know you have always been upright and fair, Victor-Clément, so I hope you will find the woman who will make your heart beat of a sincere love. Monsieur de Fersen… I was glad to have the opportunity to meet you. You have been a very precious friend. Please forgive my past madness, believe it was a whim. I would have wanted that there could be other circumstances about you and the Queen. I hope you will find peace someday. André… oh my God, I have so many things to tell you… so many to reproach you too. Why didn’t you tell me the truth ? The doctor Lassonne told me about your eye. If you only knew how deep I suffer that you kept this heavy secret for yourself… We were supposed to share everything, we used to know all about each other. You have always been by my side like a brother. I was very cheerful to know you were there, you were a part of my life, of my daily life. I thought we would stay together for a long time, the best friends in the world. But I never could even imagine the feelings you have sown patiently in my heart. I wanted to resist against them, and make these little seeds die, even if they wanted to germinate… why ? I don’t know myself. But after un moment, I must admit my defeat. The night we were attacked by the angry people, I realized that you were very important for me. Alone in my bedroom, I felt a cold anguish asking myself what would have happened if… Oh André, I don’t find the words anymore. I know I’m dying, but I don’t want to leave you. Not yet, because I haven’t had the opportunity to tell you all that you embody for me. You’re everything… my reason to live, my strength, my courage, my will, my being, my reason, my madness, my heart… I would have wanted to learn how to love you, how to give you what you are burning to give me for a long time… make you happy… I can only promise you to wait for you on the other side of this illusion called life. Yes, my life was just an illusion, I was only a viewer of the development of my existence. You were my only reality. I speak in the past because I will be dead when what I’m writing will be discovered. I can’t guess your reaction when you will read these words I have difficulty in writing, so I only hope you will realize how deep I regret for wasting these years we would have had together. Please forgive me, André. I don’t know if I will have the opportunity to ask it in front of you. Everything can happen now, we can be called to suppress riots at every moment, or else…our life doesn’t belong to us and the uncertain circumstances are against us. I feel so weak, I don’t know if I have an hour or a day left… I’d rather you not to see me in my present state, but in the same time I want to know you’re by my side in order to find the strength to leave. I’ve already written it, you are my reason to live, and the cruellest in all that situation, is that you are the only valid reason which leads me to accept my fate too. I’m done for a poison named phthisis. So I don’t want to prevent you from living, this would happen by staying by your side in that I would contaminate you. I must go far away, and I can’t have any contact with anyone. And certainly not with you, even if it costs. I don’t want to deprive you of your life, it can’t be no longer wasted because of me. I don’t know if I will have time to withdraw in our Normandy lands, or if death won’t want to let me waste away there. So, be sure of one thing. I will never forget you. Your memory will stay with me until my last breath. André, I love you forever. Oscar François de Jarjayes Jarjayes’ castle - July 12th, 1789-