Original French version at NOCTURNAL THOUGHTS by Laney Oscar closed the door of her bedroom, trying not to make too much noise. What an evening ! Her head was still shooting, and the wounds on her hands seemed to be lively due to a fire more and more ardent, as the minutes were passing by slowly. Making a deep sigh, she sat on an armchair near the window and let her glance get lost in the night, illuminated by the moon. She had never seen the people of Paris as aggressive and full with resentment toward the nobles. That had been the first time that she was confronted to this crowd of unhappy people, yelling their angry and asking for revenge toward the handful of privileged ones, the ones she was part of. A feeling of surprise had surmounted the one of fear, when the assailants had assailed first their horse-drawn coach, then them. Oscar closed her eyes. These last few days had been very strange. She had the impression that they lasted an eternity·maybe was it due to the change occurring inside her. Feeling her eyelids getting heavier, the young woman stood up quickly and began to pace up and down in the huge room. She was ashamed because she had been weak ; she should have been able to help Andr·escape from the crowd·Instead of this, she had fainted and she had been saved by Axel von Fersen. Fersen ? she whispered in a low voice. Oscar leant on the wall and took her head in her trembling hands : ? How could I have been so ridiculous ? If only you knew, my friend” The young woman interrupted herself and went to the door of her bedroom ; she had believed she heard some noise, but she realized, when she went out in the corridor barely lighted by the moon, that she must had dreamt. Oscar looked an instant at the ray of moon which was going through the tall window of the corridor, and she wanted suddenly to go out in the cool air of the night. She walked without any aim, and after a moment she arrived in front of the stable. She pushed the heavy door which separated her from her white stallion, and stopped. Andr’s horse was there too, and at this thought, the young woman felt a hot flush which roused her senses. Shaking her head to make this strange but pleasant feeling disappear, Oscar came out quickly of the stable and head for her favourite tree, lost in the great park that surrounded Jarjayes’mansion. She let herself slide on the tender grass and put her head against the rough trunk. The young woman couldn’t help thinking about what would have happened if Fersen didn’t intervene. Andr·would have been dead, hung, and she would have been mad with sorrow ? Oh Fersen forgive me·I’m so ashamed because I revealed you feelings I thought I had for you, nonetheless they are for an other man·I never wanted to admit that he was the most important thing for me·Lord, I hope I won’t have to see you again someday· I think I won’t have the strength to look at you in the eyes” A quiet tear flowed in her cheek. What on earth should she do, now ? The young woman didn’t know how to face this torrent of new emotions that devastated her each time Andr·was near her. The journey back home had been very painful for her, in that she had to resist to the envy of taking him in her arms, whispering that she had been really afraid·Afraid that he could lose his life, one more time, and because of her. Oscar didn’t forget the day Andr·fought against some soldiers from the French Guard. Exhausted, lying on the dusty ground of the weapon room, he said with difficulty that he would give his life for Oscar. He didn’t know, at this time, that she was looking at him from the door. He didn’t knew that his so complete devotion had deeply shaken Oscar. From this moment, the young woman had seen their relationship in an other way ; she was divided, and she didn’t know what to think any more. Oscar rubbed her eyes to fight against sleepiness, and clotted suddenly : it was also because of her that Andr·lost his left eye. Even if his doctor advised him not to put off the bandage which protected his eye at the risk of losing it, he didn’t listen and put on his disguise of Black Knight to find her·And he never regretted his act. The young woman bit her lip. Andr’s life was endangered when he was near her·Just like this day when they had been caught in an ambush with Alain, and thrown out of their horses·They had waken the day after on the ground, and she had felt Andr’s hand holding her wrist, as if he was linking to his last hope. Or else, as if he had wanted to protect her. One more time. Andr·was like her guardian angel, who was continually watching over her. He had never got angry with her, he had never been violent·except a night. The night he confessed her his love for her. At this thought Oscar was surprised not to have the impression that her blood was bowling. She didn’t hold a grudge against him any more, she forgave him·she didn’t feel anything any more at the thought of this night. As if there was a black hole in her mind, which aspirated all the bitterness she had toward Andr· Oscar sighed. Why did she have to live this so complicated life ? She had to endure so many sacrifices, for a so long time, that she had thought that no problem would be insoluble for her. And yet the young woman had to admit that the budding love she felt for Andr·wasn’t compatible with the life she had. This evidence was breaking her heart, because she knew deep inside her that she would never be able to love a man as strong as she loved Andr· Lost in her thoughts, she didn’t notice that a shadow was coming near her. Before she could make the least gesture, Andr·put a coat on her shoulders and sat down next to her, smiling : What are you doing here ? ? Oscar slipped on the coat with gratitude, then she answered : I should rather ask you that question. You ought to have a rest, Andr· after all that we just have endured. ? A silence came. Taking all the courage he had, the young man said : I don’t feel tired ; I came out to breathe a cool air, in that I didn’t want to sleep. And you are right, we have endured something horrible, this evening. We were lucky that Monsieur de Fersen intervened. - Don’t tell me about him any more, please. I know we have to be grateful towards him, he saved our life, but all that is over.” After a second full with hesitation, Oscar put her hand on Andr’s one : I’m happy he found you. ? Her friend turned toward her, and he saw that her eyes were filled with contained tears. He felt a pang of anguish, and he whispered : “So am I.” A few minutes later, Andr·took Oscar back at her bedroom, and he put her delicately on her bed. He stayed looking at her while she was sleeping·she was so beautiful. After a moment, exhausted too, he came out the room with regret. Oscar opened her eyes and sat down on her bed. She would have given anything to tell Andr·to stay·but she had preferred to pretend to sleep. She didn’t know yet what she would do. The one thing that she was sure of, is that she would take time to think about this new feeling which was firing her heart. THE END January 2002.