CORRESPONDENCES

by Laney


3) Explanations

 
 
From André to Oscar
 
Oscar,

	As you asked me to, I took a few weeks to think about what I could reply to you. 
I’m gone for several months now ; despite this I have the impression to see you in an 
armchair, there, just in front of me, while I’m writing these words coming from the 
depth of my heart. The picture of you that I have is intact in my memory, which keeps 
on giving me, like a mirror, scenes from our former life, when we were still at your 
father’s mansion.

	I see us train at the sword with determination, I can feel your stubbornness to 
capture Black Knight, because it is still so perceptible to me. All these moments 
lived with you, near you but above all, for you, are the best of my whole life.

	You must wonder why I tell you all that. In fact I try to make you understand 
that I regret the life we had before. I can’t put up with staying so far away from my 
past, and especially, knowing that you have changed, you’re sad and you weep is 
something I can’t stand. I hope this is not because of Monsieur de Fersen. I’m sorry 
to talk about him, Oscar, but I want you to know that I will never forgive him for 
what he has done to you.

	It’s possible I’ve hurt you more than he has ; you’re the only one to know. 
That’s why I was so surprised to receive your letter ; I haven’t thought that you 
could forgive me someday, no. But holding this piece of paper through my trembling 
fingers gave me a crazy hope, the one that you won’t turn your back at me before 
letting me justify myself, even if what I’ve done isn’t totally justifiable. 

	So I can answer to your question, do you remember, when you asked me how we 
came to that situation. The answer is very simple about me : everything turned bad 
because I had the weakness not to confess you the feelings I had for you.

	You know it, Oscar. I love you. My heart has been bleeding and has claimed for 
your attention for more than twenty years. I don’t know why I never told you that; 
maybe because of the huge gap that separates our two classes. Or else, by understanding 
you were turning to Axel de Fersen, I withdrew on myself and I lost my mind, drinking 
in taverns. Then, this insane gesture which hoped a sign from you·When I saw the scare 
in your eyes, I cursed myself and in the same time I held a grudge against you.

	Yes Oscar, for a fraction of second I loathed you. I loathed you for all that 
you were making me endure day after day, for your indifference toward me, for the love 
you had for someone who hasn’t any for you. I cursed the fate which hounded me, the 
commoner, convicted to stay in the shadow of the one he adored. Why weren’t you seeing 
me, I was offering you my heart ? Why did you fall in love with someone who didn’t know 
you as well as I did ? I realized at this moment that we were similar ; each of us was 
loving someone but with no return. So I could understand your pain about Monsieur de 
Fersen, because I was enduring it daily for twenty years.

	Then, when I saw your tears, I knew I had made the biggest mistake of all my 
life. Nothing could ever excuse my gesture. While I’m writing, I can’t prevent shame 
from surrounding me. I don’t know if I’ll manage to look at you again, Oscar.

	In all cases, I don’t think we’ll see each other again, according to the 
circumstances. I opened my heart to you, I confessed you the feelings which perturb me, 
now I’m all in.

	I don’t know what to write anymore.

	But I want you to tell me one thing : swear to me that it’s not because of me that 
you left the mansion. Swear to me that I’m not the cause of all these changes in you. 

	If, unfortunately, I am, I think I will never forgive myself ; I don’t want you to 
suffer because of me anymore, Oscar ; I’ve done enough.
 
Andr·
 


 
From Granny to  André
 
Child,

	I understand your pain better. It must have been really hard to live near Oscar, 
hiding your feelings. And when you wanted to open your heart, it turned bad.

	I have never thought that event could be the cause of your problem. But you told 
me you had been clumsy : what have you done exactly ?

	Do you know, Oscar refused to go to a ball organized  in the honour of Monsieur 
de Fersen. She told me with indifference that she didn’t want to hear about him anymore, 
and she made me promise that I wouldn’t tell you this fact.

	Oooops ! It just slipped out. I can also tell you that your letter had a result 
on Oscar ; she didn’t show it to me, but in all cases she doesn’t stop reading it again 
and again. One day, she was at the mansion, and I saw her starting writing on papers she 
threw on the wastepaper basket then.

	Yes, your letter didn’t let her indifferent. I don’t know if she’s happy, sad or 
upset by it, because I don’t manage to understand the secret expression of her face. I 
only know she looks at it with attention.

	Here you are, I’ll leave you know, wishing you to be courageous for the following 
events. 
 
Your granny.


 
 
From André to Granny
 
My dear Granny,

	If you only knew how deep your letter made me be glad ! I’m happy to know that 
what I’ve written had a result on Oscar. Now I’m waiting for her reply and I dread it 
in the same time : I’m so afraid to be disappointed and rejected one more time.

	My life here is still the same. The landowner came back from his journey in the 
South of France, and I was surprised to be congratulated for the “good job” I have done 
with his horses ; I think they’ll be ready soon for their next race.

	Indeed, I had been very clumsy when I wanted to confess my feelings to Oscar. 
There is nothing more to say, I think I don’t really want to remember that event, 
granny.

	Oscar refused to go to a ball given for Monsieur de Fersen ? Maybe she has 
understood that the feelings this man has for the Queen will never change.

	Just like the ones I have for her cruelly touched me a so long time ago. 

	I hope she will take time to reply to me, I would like her to get aware of the 
fact that all she will write to me will be very important for our future.

	Many kisses.
 
Your grandson

André

 
 

From Oscar to André
 
André,

	I must confess you that I have begun again this letter about ten times. I wasn’t 
sure of my words, by the way I’m not totally sure of them now, but never mind.

	As you noticed it, it makes several weeks that I think about what I can reply 
to you. The problem, is that I don’t know exactly what to tell you, I don’t want you 
to hope for something I’m not sure I have, and in the same time I don’t want to make 
you suffer more.

	When you left, I was relieved not to have you by my side anymore ; I thought 
without cease about that incident, and I was very angry with you. That didn’t come 
to hatred, but hearing Granny only pronouncing your name drove me to irritation.

	I couldn’t understand how you, my everlasting friend, the one I had given my 
whole faith to, how you could act that way toward me. I couldn’t understand how you 
could have believed that I would act in accordance with you ; and above all, I couldn’t 
understand how someone who said his love for me could hurt me so much.

	Despite all this, I think I can forgive you now. Your letter was so frank that 
I wonder why I was still hesitating to tell you that the incident belonged to our past.

	It’s my turn to apologize. I really regret I didn’t take care of you more, I 
regret I didn’t ask you if you were well, or if you still wanted to stay with me. I 
didn’t discern your presence was comfortable to me. You made everything to improve my 
life, Andr· despite the problems of the Court. You were there for me, even in the 
worst moments, you listened with attention to my recriminations.

	I noticed your heart was beating in unison with mine, but I thought it was due 
to a solid friendship which challenged time. I didn’t note anything which could have 
given suspicions to me, because you have always been quite distant and very close to 
me at the same time.

	It’s incredible, isn’t it ? Now that you’re not here anymore I feel a great 
emptiness. When you left, you took without knowing it, a part of me, and that explains 
my strange behaviour Granny for sure told you about, and my wish to leave my father’s 
mansion. So I can tell you I’m gone because of you : I couldn’t stay in this place, 
it made me remember painful moments. But don’t feel guilty about that, I think you 
have already punished yourself.

	Talking about Monsieur de Fersen, I feel shame for telling you about the futile 
feelings I thought I had for him. You were right to ask the question. I don’t want to 
know who in the both of you made me suffer more.

	All I know is that I have more difficulty in accepting your absence than his. 

	Here you are, that’s all I can tell you for the moment. I’m sorry, I’m not 
self-assured enough to give you a hope or a disappointment.

	I hope this letter will find you in good health.
 
Oscar.
 

To be continued